Live Without
by Monniemoo
Summary: Matt finds it impossible to resist Mello when he shows his vulnerability.


Matt balanced the grocery bags awkwardly in one arm as he fumbled in his pocket to extract the keys to the apartment. He managed to fish out the right one and jammed it into the lock, struggling with it until the door finally came open. He kicked it shut behind him and set the groceries down to lock, bolt, and chain the door as his roommate demanded before plopping the bags in their proper place on the table in the corner.

Speaking of his roommate, Mello was perched on the couch in the center of the room. He was leaning forward, his arms resting on his legs, and his hair fell in a way that hid his face. Matt knew Mello well enough that he didn't need to see his expression. He could tell by the curve of Mello's back that there was something wrong, terribly wrong, something that wasn't just his typical brooding.

"What's up?" Matt asked concernedly.

"Nothing," Mello murmured, almost inaudibly. He tilted his head up a bit, part of his face becoming visible.

Matt caught one of his ice blue eyes. He looked depressed, frightened, vulnerable. Mello looked away quickly, tilting his head back down again.

"I've just been thinking about things, I guess."

Matt knew that Mello meant the plan, the fate he had consigned himself to. He figured it couldn't be easy for Mello to sacrifice himself, even if he firmly believed that it was the only way.

Matt didn't know what to say. Mello clearly didn't want to talk, and usually the only thing to do in that occasion was to wait it out until he felt better on his own. The only thing missing from the equation was chocolate. Matt wandered over to the table and extracted a bar from one of the grocery bags. He held the bar hesitantly out to Mello, who took a moment to notice it. Mello stared silently at the bar before turning his eyes up to Matt.

"Thank you," Mello finally said. "Thank you for everything."

Matt could tell from the look in his eyes that he meant every word.

Mello wasn't usually like this, so open and so vulnerable. It was beautiful in its own tragic way, those rare occasions when his human side showed through. Mello suffered so much despite his constant strong façade. Each time Matt saw him like this, he wanted to hold him, to wrap his arms around him until the pain and weakness drained away. He had never once acted on these impulses before, but now it was too hard to resist.

Hardly knowing what he was doing, Matt dropped the chocolate bar on the couch and cupped Mello's face, one hand resting on smooth skin and the other on rough scar tissue. He pulled Mello close and kissed him gently, tenderly on the lips.

Matt felt a slight pressure as Mello kissed him back. He felt reassuring warmth spread through him, urging him onwards as he parted his lips to kiss Mello more deeply. He knelt on the couch and leaned forward, trying to move their bodies as close as possible. A thrill ran up his spine as Mello clutched at his back, pulling him closer still. He slid his hands from Mello's face and unzipped his vest, pulling it off and tossing it to the side. Matt ran his hands down his bare torso, tracing the jagged edge of his scar with one finger. His skin was warm beneath his fingertips. He rested his hands on Mello's hips, the tips of his fingers slipping into the edge of Mello's pants.

Mello seized handfuls of Matt's shirt and pulled upwards, forcing Matt to relinquish his shirt to the floor. Matt took this moment to take a good look at Mello. Unfortunately, Mello made this exceedingly difficult by tracing the contours of his body. Matt caught his hands, looking him in the eyes.

"Do you want me?" Matt found himself asking. Some dark part of his subconscious couldn't believe this victory.

"No," Mello answered frankly. He stared up at Matt intensely, curling his hands around his neck. "But I need you."

Matt had barely begun to consider that answer when Mello rendered his mental functions useless by pulling him in for another kiss.

Matt set to work undoing Mello's pants with vigor, the "no" from their conversation resounding in his head. If there was one thing he could figure out at that moment, it was that Matt wanted Mello to want him. Matt slid his hand into Mello's pants and gently freed him from the depths of the clothing. Matt ran one hand up Mello's torso and lightly stroked him with the other.

"Do you want me now?" he murmured into Mello's ear.

Mello gave no reply, but his fingers dug into the back of Matt's neck. Matt took this as a sign of victory and began planting kisses on Mello's chest, working downward.

Suddenly, Matt's head was forced roughly upward by the hair on the back of his head. "Stay up here with me," Mello requested. Matt saw vulnerability in his eyes once again and felt compelled to kiss it away.

Matt curled one hand around Mello's neck, still kissing him. With his other hand, he grabbed Mello firmly and began to pump his hand back and forth, steadily increasing his pace as he went. Mello held onto him with a vise grip, a sound of pleasure escaping through the kiss every so often.

Matt wanted nothing more at that moment than to please Mello, and he kept going even after his arm grew tired, trying to move faster still. Eventually he pulled away from the kiss to watch Mello's face contorted with pleasure, wonderful sounds emitting from his throat.

Finally, Mello released, arching his back slightly and gripping Matt tighter than before. Matt savored the sound of his own name as it escaped from Mello's lips. Matt moved his hand to Mello's cheek and kissed him once again, victoriously.

Matt lay down on the couch and pulled Mello down with him. It was a struggle for them to both lie on the couch comfortably, but Matt's acute awareness of Mello's hot skin against his made the process quite pleasant. When they finally found a position, Matt wrapped his arms around Mello. Mello's body was so warm that despite the occasional kisses they shared, Matt found himself drifting off to sleep.

When Matt woke up, he was cold. Mello had taken all the warmth with him when he had departed, wherever he had gone- it took Matt a moment to spot him, fully dressed and seated in a dark corner of the room. Mello hardly met Matt's eyes before looking away. Matt felt his heart turn to lead.

A thick silence penetrated the room as Matt scuttled to find his shirt lying on the floor. He pulled it on quickly despite the strong sense of foreboding that told him something bad would happen as soon as he was done. He sat down on the arm of the couch when he was finished, facing Mello apprehensively.

"That…can't happen again," Mello informed Matt quietly and solemnly.

Matt had known it was coming the second he saw Mello that morning- no, before that, when he woke up cold. Still, it didn't make it hurt any less.

"Why?"

"Because…well, because it just can't."

Matt stared accusatorily at Mello, who avoided eye contact. Matt felt he at least deserved an explanation, if he were to have his heart ripped out like this.

Finally, Mello caved. "Matt, we just can't, okay? We can't do this! Just…" There was a pause. Mello looked up at Matt suddenly, fixing his gaze on him. When he spoke again, his voice was almost calm. "Look, this isn't just about us. This is about vengeance, not just for L but for hundreds of people wrongfully killed by someone playing God. This is about taking down an otherwise unstoppable serial killer. When I go out there…when this plan goes into action, I can't hesitate for even a second, or everything could go wrong. That means I have to accept my fate, to fully consign myself to- to death. And I just…damnit, Matt, I can't have anything to live for!"

Mello looked away again, burying his head in his hands. "I'm sorry, Matt," he said in a muffled voice.

Matt didn't know or care whether he meant it. He felt numb, empty inside. Hardly aware of his actions, he left the apartment, not caring to check if he had a cellphone or keys with him. He was about halfway down the apartment complex's stairs when he crumpled to the ground, leaning hard against the wall. He sat there for a while, quietly suffering without a tear.

What hurt the most was not the rejection. It was the fact that he knew he was going to continue helping Mello until the very end, no matter how much it hurt.


End file.
